Sometimes I am not an adult. This is one of those times.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve really grown and matured as much as I feel like I have… This is mostly because I put myself in some horrible, awkward, and horribly awkward situations that most adults my age should already know how to navigate. Situations that I thought I had grown past. This week, in particular, I find myself in yet another entirely avoidable but somehow unavoided situation…

I am seeing two guys at once.

Yes, I’m in a pretty serious, long-distance relationship… But that’s a big part of the problem. It’s long distance. To be perfectly honest, I like sex way too much to settle for only getting it twice a year. Hell, on our last trip we only actually got to have sex once. One time. A whole week of vacation together and we had sex one time. And that’s supposed to hold me over for the next 6-10 months?? Still, we’ve been at this a year now and I’ve managed to hold out. But then we run into another problem, one we’ve addressed numerous times in the past. We barely communicate. We don’t talk on the phone because we work opposite schedules. We don’t Skype, again the opposite schedules. Now we’re barely sending text messages. Every day feels less like I’m in a relationship and more like I’ve got a crush on a friend that happens to live 3000 miles away. I’m starting to wonder if we’re together because we’re delusional hopeless romantics with faith in our willpower or if we’re simply calling ourselves “together” because it’s convenient.  We haven’t had an actual conversation that lasts longer than 5 messages since February. I haven’t gotten more than a quick “Happy St Pat’s” in over a week. I’m beginning to realize that almost all of our communication relied on me initiating it. It’s frustrating because I love him and I would love to be with him, but the soonest we can make that happen is five years away and I don’t think that I can keep this up for five more years.

So about a week ago, I got asked out by one of my son’s hockey coaches. We spent a lot of time talking and joking in the locker rooms throughout the last two seasons and I’ve always though he was a good looking guy. However, I always assumed he was married. Turns out that I assumed right, but his situation has changed recently. It’s a long story that isn’t mine to tell, suffice to say that physically and emotionally they have been over for a long time but they finally decided to make it official. I started off by making it clear that I am in a relationship, but that I do enjoy his company and would still like to get together as friends. He was completely okay with this, so we got together for a hockey game. It was fun, we talked, and went our separate ways. A couple days later, we went to the ice park with my son and we talked more, about all sorts of things. We started at music and movies, shared hobbies and interests, funny stories, and eventually approached the unavoidable topic of our personal lives. We talked about his situation first and it’s one that I can relate to a lot. Then he asked about mine, so I explained and the more I spoke about it the sillier it sounded. We went to another hockey game that night and everything was good…. Until the Kiss Cam started scanning the crowd and stopped on us… We both froze, wide-eyed and a little unsure about what to do. So in order to solve the problem I gave him a quick peck. After that things were okay, but a slight air of mutual attraction hovered around us. After the game, in the parking lot, I found myself making out with him like a hormonal teenager. We stopped when we were interrupted by a very uncomfortable older lady needing to get by us to get to her car…….. So I invited him back to my house for a beer, which was followed by further talking and kissing and a near complete lapse in will power.

The day I was freaking out. Was this a momentary lapse in judgment or is this indicative of bigger issues? Do I actually like this guy enough to cut off  five years of off and on long distance? So I did the only logical thing I could think of, I turned to my friends for help. The results I got were mixed. On the one hand, if I’m not getting what I need from my current relationship then it only makes sense that I would seek it out elsewhere, and if that’s the case then maybe I shouldn’t be in that relationship in the first place. On the other hand, there are a lot of strong emotions there and I shouldn’t be so quick to push those aside. Which pretty much left me exactly where I started… That night he came by my house and apologized for being so forward and said that he understands that I’m in a relationship and understands if I need to step back, but he thinks I’m amazing and asked if I could give him a chance. Just one. And he drove over to my house to say that in person because he didn’t feel like it was something that should be brushed off into a text… I’ll admit it, I melted a little inside when he said all of that to me. It was just so thoughtful and sweet and flattering. So I decided to give him a chance… And he’s like that all of the time. Just incredibly thoughtful and communicative.

So yeah…. Now I’m seeing two guys and I have no idea what to do about that yet. I know the adult thing to do would be to clear the air and let all parties involved know about my current predicament and then deal with the consequential fallout of that clarification… But I don’t know if I’m ready for that yet. As much as I want to clear the air, I want to see if this chance goes anywhere that will require the air to be cleaned. Is that just a cop out? It probably is. But until I’m ready to take on that particular hurdle this is just where things will have to stand. Just a big pile of complicated love life with me standing atop the heap refusing to decide what to do with it…

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